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| # | | 1 | Alan Harper   | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
 | TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Let's get you back to the Bat Cave, or whatever cave you crawled out of. |
| | 2 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women. Ironically, not my mother. |
| | 3 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: I'm a love bear. If I stop making love, I prevent forest fires. |
| | 4 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance. |
| | 5 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. |
| | 6 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Fitful nights sleep in alcohol island? |
| | 7 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: If you hope to have any kind of shot with this woman, you might want to lose the wedding ring. When it comes to dating, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If, you know, Superman was a vagina. |
| | 8 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: After dinner, I was thinking we could light a fire. Don't worry, I've got all the wood we need. |
| | 9 | Alan Harper | TWO AND A HALF MEN 2003 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes | |
| TWO AND A HALF MEN
Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm a back doctor, but that doesn't mean I can't check out your front. |
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