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| 1 | Cassie   | Quotes | Quotes |
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Cassie
Cassie: Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent to see Return of the Jedi.
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| 2 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Alright, Paper, Rock, Scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.
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| 3 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Could she be any more out of my league?
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| 4 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection! Could have said, "Gum would be nice." Could have said, "I'll have a stick." But no, no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself!
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| 5 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Hey, you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!
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| 6 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: I can handle it. Handle is my middle name. Actually it's the middle part of my first name.
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| 7 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: I just came by to drop off... nothing.
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| 8 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
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| 9 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
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| 10 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.
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| 11 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Oh no! Two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's to small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!
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| 12 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Oh yeah. including the waffles last week, you now owe me 17 gillion dollars.
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| 13 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Ok, good night. You big freak of nature!
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| 14 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Okay, but if we put on Spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm going home.
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| 15 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Okay, penis schmenis, we're all people.
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| 16 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Okay, the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
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| 17 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?
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| 18 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
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| 19 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Wow! She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like a short, fat, bald men.
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| 20 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.
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| 21 | Chandler  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a back-up plan though, just in case she isn't a cartoon!
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| 22 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny? You got a manny? You know, I don't mind a male nanny but I do draw the line at male wet nurse.
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| 23 | Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler
Chandler: You wanted to sleep with Batman but instead you had to settle for Robin.
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| 24 | Chandler & Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Joey
Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there, Captain Kirk.
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| 25 | Chandler & Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Joey
Chandler: Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.
Joey: Hey, Chandler. When you see Franky, tell him Joey Tribbiani says 'hello'. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's going to be able to crack that code?
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| 26 | Chandler & Mr. Douglas | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Mr. Douglas
Chandler: Dee! How's it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s.
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| 27 | Chandler & Nina | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Nina
Chandler: I was just going over your data. You've been postdating your Friday numbers.
Nina: Which is bad, because?
Chandler: It throws my WENUS out of whack.
Nina: Excuse me?
Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.
Nina: Right.
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| 28 | Chandler & Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Rachel
Chandler: It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
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| 29 | Chandler & Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler & Rachel
Chandler: So did you have the baby yet?
Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? Because I'll do it.
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| 30 | Chandler, Rachel & Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Chandler, Rachel & Ross
Chandler: You guys all know what you want to do.
Rachel: I don't.
Chandler: You guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
Ross: The lesser-known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
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| 31 | Charles Bing & Nora Bing | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Bing & Nora Bing
Charles Bing: Aren't you too old to wear a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have too much penis to wear a dress like that?
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| 32 | Isaac | Quotes | Quotes |
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Isaac
Isaac: It doesn't matter how much we love them. Monogamy is too cruel a rule.
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| 33 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
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| 34 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: DOOL - Days of Our Lives.
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| 35 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
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| 36 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: How you doin'?
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| 37 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: I am pretty wisdomous.
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| 38 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: I fold like a hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.
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| 39 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: It's a rented tux, okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
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| 40 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: I'm a man of the cloth but I still have feelings.
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| 41 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Joey doesn't share food!
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| 42 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Jump off the high-dive! Stare down the barrel of the gun! Pee into the wind!
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| 43 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?
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| 44 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Monkey Lover!
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| 45 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Moo Point It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter.
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| 46 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Sorry, wrong boobies.
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| 47 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
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| 48 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Utah? You can't just make this stuff up!
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| 49 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?
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| 50 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: What is it? Is it Mom? Is she sick? Is it Dad's heart? Is that a sandwich? Is that a sandwich?
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| 51 | Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey
Joey: You want my advice? You're not gonna like it. You got married too fast.
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| 52 | Joey & Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey & Chandler
Joey: Get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum. Girls like gum.
Chandler: That's a good idea. Dear Janice, Have a Hubba Bubba Birthday.
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| 53 | Joey & Lauryn | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey & Lauryn
Joey: Hi, Lauryn.
Lauryn: Hi, pig.
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| 54 | Joey & Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey & Ross
Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.
Ross: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
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| 55 | Joey & Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey & Ross
Joey: That's how they do pants! First the go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
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| 56 | Joey as Dr. Drake Ramoray | Quotes | Quotes |
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Joey as Dr. Drake Ramoray
Joey as Drake Ramore: Damn it, I'm a doctor! I'm not God!
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| 57 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked!
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| 58 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: He has everything! Plus - he actually has everything.
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| 59 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Here's your penis!
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| 60 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Ho, ho, ho! Ben, come open more gifts. The armadillo and I will have a talk in the kitchen... There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
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| 61 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: I'd love to stay, but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to.
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| 62 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Oh, my God! There's Roy Gublik! You know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. He was in the paper.
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| 63 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Okay, everybody. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
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| 64 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Okay, mister, fertilize me!
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| 65 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
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| 66 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies- that's when the waistband actually goes over your head.
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| 67 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Welcome to an adult relationship.
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| 68 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
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| 69 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoked oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.
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| 70 | Monica | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica
Monica: You know, maybe you should consider writing for 'Talking Out of Your Ass' magazine.
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| 71 | Monica & Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica & Rachel
Monica: How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling, trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? Weirdest thing.
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| 72 | Monica, Phoebe & Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monica, Phoebe & Ross
Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe: You were?
Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Mark's Comics. You know, I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble Spider-man got into that week...
Monica: Wonder Woman!
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| 73 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Happy meatless turkey murder day!
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| 74 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Oh Rachel. This is all so Papa Don't Preach.
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| 75 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Oh, sweet lord! This must be what evil must taste like!
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| 76 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Ooh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
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| 77 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait!
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| 78 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: We're so stupid. Do you know what they're doing in there? They trying to take Joey!
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| 79 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Where is my strong Ross-Skywalker to come rescue me?
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| 80 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
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| 81 | Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Phoebe
Phoebe: You are like Santa Claus on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!
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| 82 | Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel
Rachel: Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing!
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| 83 | Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel
Rachel: Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic!
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| 84 | Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel
Rachel: I'm going 'commando' too!
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| 85 | Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel
Rachel: Let's just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter", and you should be okay.
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| 86 | Rachel | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel
Rachel: Well, you know. When I first met you, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be. Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so I thought maybe not.
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| 87 | Rachel & Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel & Joey
Rachel Green: What's so great about the Shining?
Joey Tribbiani: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about the Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: Nothing.
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| 88 | Rachel & Phoebe | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rachel & Phoebe
Rachel: What's up?
Phoebe: ln the cab on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone. Weed, hemp, ganja...
Rachel: I'm with you, Cheech.
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| 89 | Roger | Quotes | Quotes |
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Roger
Roger: Easy on those cookies. Remember they're just food, not love.
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| 90 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny... That is a weird sentence!
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| 91 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Delaware!
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| 92 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Do that for another two hours, and you might be where I am right about now.
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| 93 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!
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| 94 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Hi, I'm Ross, I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
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| 95 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.
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| 96 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO?
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| 97 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as a human brain. So, theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine.
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| 98 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: I will be revenged!
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| 99 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen into the company ink.
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| 100 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: It'd really help when I'm kissing you, if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
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| 101 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Look I didn't recognize you without that inflatable sheep.
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| 102 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Maybe there aren't 50 states!
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| 103 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
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| 104 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Well remember, I lived with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!
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| 105 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday?
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| 106 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if, what if there's only one woman for everybody? You know, what if you only get one woman and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.
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| 107 | Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross
Ross: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
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| 108 | Ross & Chandler | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross & Chandler
Ross: I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan was right. Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
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| 109 | Ross & Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross & Joey
Ross: I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! And then, there's the... there's the overview of the Triassic.
Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a Galaxy far, far away?
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| 110 | Ross, Chandler & Joey | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ross, Chandler & Joey
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler & Joey: Oh, that's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby, and I know I've got to do something, 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay has got a terrible team!
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so I just heave it down-field.
Chandler: What, you're kidding? That's a baby!
Joey: What, he should take the sack?
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| 111 | Susan | Quotes | Quotes |
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Susan
Susan: Where does that leave me? You're his father. Who am l? There's Father's Day. There's Mother's Day. There's no Lesbian Lover Day.
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