TV Series 2009. Created by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur. Starring Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider, Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, Aubrey Plaza, Chris Pratt, Adam Scott, Rob Lowe, Jim O'Heir, Retta and Billy Eichner.
Source Features: BBB (544) TIMELINE (46) MAP (64) QUOTES (100) TRIVIA (1) THEMES (1)
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Total Record Results: 100 - Medium: TV SERIES / Group: OTHER / Category: QUOTES
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1Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: Close only counts in horse grenades... It's a saying. Because if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit.

2Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: I have been writing a lot of songs about shining shoes lately. I tend to write about what I'm doing... (singing) Talking about writing about what I'm doing, now I'm singing about talking about writing about what I'm doing.

3Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: It's gonna be like a giant Woodstock, except for instead of everybody rolling around in mud, they'll be rolling around in happiness. Or maybe mud, I don't know, I can't control the weather.



4Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.

5Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: She's going to be gone for the next 24 hours so I made this list and basically this place is gonna be like a sparkling palace when she returns. I took a bunch of painkillers. They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go.

6Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

7Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. We started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Two Doors Down, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes with Orange, then Everything Rhymes with Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Hand Rail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Three Skin Jet Black Pope, we went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.

8Andy QuotesQuotes

Andy
Andy: Your secret is safe with me. To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets. once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is. And at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

9Ann QuotesQuotes

Ann
Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.

10Ann QuotesQuotes

Ann
Ann: I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either. I can't have anything good. You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed. But I don't want that. You know what I want? Pork rinds. I want jelly beans. And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes. I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns. I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes?

11Ann QuotesQuotes

Ann
Ann: Miss, hi, I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy, so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to plunge your face into the deep fryer.

12Annabel Porter QuotesQuotes

Annabel Porter
Annabel Porter: Come with me as we binge watch the future.

13April QuotesQuotes

April
April: What's your pitch, kid? Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge, let's go.

14Ben QuotesQuotes

Ben
Ben: And after you fell asleep making Jerry's scrapbook, I went back to season one of Fringe to check for plot holes. As I suspected, airtight.

15Ben QuotesQuotes

Ben
Ben: I can smell your dreams, Tom. I can. And I can smell 'em from here. And honestly, they smell terrible.

16Ben QuotesQuotes

Ben
Ben: I have been kind of tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.



17Ben QuotesQuotes

Ben
Ben: I'm on Endor. These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor.



18Ben QuotesQuotes

Ben
Ben: This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just think about all their great songs, covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California.

19Ben & Ron Dunn QuotesQuotes

Ben & Ron Dunn
Ben: Where'd you come from?
Ron Dunn: Uh, that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.

20Chris QuotesQuotes

Chris
Chris: That was very strange what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

21Chris QuotesQuotes

Chris
Chris: The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann.

22Chris QuotesQuotes

Chris
Chris: You're beautiful. On the inside. Where the spirit lives.

23Councilman Jamm QuotesQuotes

Councilman Jamm
Councilman Jamm: You ever heard of warrant? There's a cover band around here they call themselves Cherry Pie. Pretty sure we got their bass player.

24Craig QuotesQuotes

Craig
Craig: I want to throw up and kill myself.

25Craig QuotesQuotes

Craig
Craig: Let's introduce ourselves. Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom. I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am.

26Dennis Feinstein QuotesQuotes

Dennis Feinstein
Dennis Feinstein (playing Magnum P.I. virtual reality game): Oh, baby. That feels amazing. But I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go. I have to meet Rick and TC at the King Kamehameha Club. Higgins is missing.



27Donna QuotesQuotes

Donna
Donna: I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!



28Donna Meagle QuotesQuotes

Donna Meagle
Donna Meagle: I would like to address the goofy-Iooking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious, who I hate.

29Dr. Harris & Andy QuotesQuotes

Dr. Harris & Andy
Dr. Harris: Anything else bothering you?
Andy: Nope. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore. Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. What else? Things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out. Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years. I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.
Dr. Harris: Well, I can help you with the thumb. And I'll have to give you referrals for specialists for the other thousand things.

30Duke Silver QuotesQuotes

Duke Silver
Duke Silver (Ron Swanson's alter ego): A smooth and silky evening to you all. On nights like this, when the cold winds blow, and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

31Duke Silver QuotesQuotes

Duke Silver
Duke Silver: It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight.

32Duke Silver QuotesQuotes

Duke Silver
Duke Silver: So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me, and maybe we can walk through fire together.

33Garth Blundin QuotesQuotes

Garth Blundin
Garth Blundin: After a beat, Luke says, "Darth Vader was my father, but Ben Kenobi was my master. And he cuts Hannibal Lecter in half."

34Garth Blundin QuotesQuotes

Garth Blundin
Garth Blundin: If he holds the reality gem, that means he can jump from different realities. This will be our link to the Marvel Universe from the Star Wars Universe.

35Garth Blundin QuotesQuotes

Garth Blundin
Garth Blundin: Imagine those who were up against Robot Chewbacca 'cause that's gonna happen.

36Garth Blundin QuotesQuotes

Garth Blundin
Garth Blundin: Let the filibustering begin. I would now like to share some ideas I have for J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter in the Star Wars' saga. Pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine. We are now close on the mouth of the Sarlacc Pit. After a beat, the gloved Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the sand outside of the Sarlacc Pit and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast.



37High Schooler QuotesQuotes

High Schooler
High Schooler: The stuff you're playing is so old, it's probably trinking on grizzledump.

38Ingrid De Forest QuotesQuotes

Ingrid De Forest
Ingrid De Forest: It's like what Sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld, "Parting is such sweet sorrow.

39Jean-Ralphio QuotesQuotes

Jean-Ralphio
Jean-Ralphio: When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry and go clubbing.

40Joe QuotesQuotes

Joe
Joe: There's an old sewage department saying. If you've got a nice drainpipe, there's no reason to hide it.

41Leslie QuotesQuotes

Leslie
Leslie: I told you that Eagletonians are awful, terrible people. They call their boogers Pawnee caviar.

42Leslie & Donna QuotesQuotes

Leslie & Donna
Leslie: Okay, it's time for a little Galentine's day Q&A. Donna, you pick first.
Donna: What is your favorite TV show? Well, for live tweeting, it's Scandal. For binge watching, it's Scandal. But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.

43Leslie & Joan QuotesQuotes

Leslie & Joan
Leslie: Joan, if we could just have a moment. We need to get ready.
Joan: Oh, no, no. We gotta go. Yeah, the uppers are kicking in. Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot. Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.

44Leslie & Ron QuotesQuotes

Leslie & Ron
Leslie: What are you doing here?
Ron: The most important government work I've ever done. Sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

45Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: But you know, luckily for me, I've processed all my feelings and I've gone through the five stages of grief, denial, anger, Internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat-returning-to- the-adoption-place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown and not giving a flying fart. How many stages is that? I don't know.

46Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, and although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. The first line, by the way? "O Captain! My Captain!" Ron Swanson, a Swan Song.

47Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Councilman Howser. I saw your penis.

48Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. And Pawnee has failed On last year's report, they stated, "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem."

49Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home and we just come and kick it breakfast style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like Lilith Fair minus the angst. Plus frittatas.

50Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: I am gonna build that park myself, and it is gonna be awesome. And it's not gonna have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone.

51Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: I don't want to be overdramatic, but today felt like and the absolute worst day of my life.

52Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians, after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians, back then, is, they used every part of the pioneer.

53Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: I'm a feminist, okay? I would never, ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be 'Equality'. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face.

54Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache. But I am a woman and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard.

55Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie. It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband.

56Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Now, the sadness is pouring out of Tom, like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

57Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down, and on that patch of concrete, I am creating Pawnee's newest tourist attraction: The smallest park in Indiana. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King, Jr. Park in Terryville, but guess what? Terryville sucks old car tires, and so does Martin Luther... No, he does not suck old car tires. He was one of the greatest men in history. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get competitive.

58Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: So who gives me the go-ahead to not ask for permission but ask for forgiveness? Is it Ron? No, no.

59Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular.

60Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: This is like a waking nightmare of happiness.

61Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.

62Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Well, I am gonna think about a revenge plan. I know what we're gonna do. We're gonna find out where he lives. We're gonna drive to his house. We're gonna set it on fire and watch it burn.

63Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: Winning is every girl's dream. But it's my destiny.

64Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: You have five seconds to get out of here Or I will rip your throats out.

65Leslie Knope QuotesQuotes

Leslie Knope
Leslie: They rake me over the coals. Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun.

66Raul QuotesQuotes

Raul
Raul: Why don't you call the park after Chavez? You know, you call it Hugo Chavez Park. And you can have a nice, big fountain of his head, so that when the water is coming out he is spitting at you all the time. You should write this down.

67Ron & April QuotesQuotes

Ron & April
Ron: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a genius move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome, Lester.

68Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander... But wait, there's more. Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying.

69Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a low-grade fever.

70Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Frankly, I emitted a noise. The noise was involuntary. Sometimes, a sound is just a sound.

71Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: I call this Turf and Turf. It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

72Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet and honor of those Somali pirates, if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.

73Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely.

74Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

75Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: It is a beautiful night for the end of the world.

76Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

77Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

78Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?

79Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any.

80Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Tammy is a mean person. She's a grade-A bitch. Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man.

81Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

82Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love.

83Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: This is not government work.As such, I treat it with care and attention.

84Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape.

85Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

86Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: You had me at meat tornado.

87Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron: Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand.

88Ron Swanson QuotesQuotes

Ron Swanson
Ron: I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.

89Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin QuotesQuotes

Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin
Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin: I don't give a crap Batman, you work for me. Increase the perimeter!

90Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus MacklinQuotesQuotes

Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin
Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin: I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant. Just drain the ocean.

91Tom QuotesQuotes

Tom
Tom: Ben, stir! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED Talk by the color beige.

92Tom QuotesQuotes

Tom
Tom: I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

93Tom QuotesQuotes

Tom
Tom: It's called peacocking. Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock. So, the girls will be like, "Hey, what's with that hat?" I'm gonna go peacock it out.

94Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom Haverford: I want to open up my own club one day. Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom's Bistro.



95Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom Haverford: Leslie, you're thinking out loud again.

96Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom Haverford: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

97Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom Haverford: Why's it so hard to become a mogul? All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweat suits, and a cologne called Tommy Fresh.

98Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom Haverford: Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting divorced. But now, I'm ready to pull myself up by some g-strings.

99Tom Haverford QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford
Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret... But number three's told a story, a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.

100Tom Haverford & Ben Wyatt QuotesQuotes

Tom Haverford & Ben Wyatt
Tom Haverford: I'm the Yoda of networking.
Ben Wyatt: Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom Haverford: Shut up, you nerd!
Ben Wyatt: I get it, okay.

 


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