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| 1 | Amy Santiago   | Quotes | Quotes |
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Amy Santiago
Amy Santiago: I've read through three years of Seth's emails, and it's mostly inquiries about where he could buy a Batmobile.
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| 2 | Amy Santiago & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Amy Santiago & Jake Peralta
Amy Santiago: I wanted Jake to rig the envelopes and partner up with Holt. I gave him the idea by making him watch Lincoln. And when that didn't work, we watched X-Men: Days of Future Past.
Jake Peralta: Magneto and Professor X working together? Amy, are you seeing this?
Amy Santiago: Yes, I see it. I see it all.
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| 3 | Amy Santiago & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Amy Santiago & Jake Peralta
Amy Santiago: Ooh, look. It's a robot that can patrol an empty building all by itself.
Jake Peralta: Oh, no, this is how it starts. It's Skynet all over again. Here, let's wait here a second and see if our future selves show up and tell us to destroy it. Nope. Looks like we're in the clear. It's kind of cute.
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| 4 | Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta & Charles Boy...  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta & Charles Boyle
Amy Santiago: I'm sorry about tonight.
Jake Peralta: "I'm Sorry About Tonight." We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape.
Charles Boyle: I'm sorry I couldn't convince you to love Halloween.
Amy Santiago: It's not your fault. I was terrible.
Jake Peralta: "It's Not Your Fault I Was Terrible" is also one of your sex tapes.
Amy Santiago: Halloween is unbearable. But it was slightly less unbearable with you. (to Peralta) Don't.
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| 5 | Boyle | Quotes | Quotes |
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Boyle
Boyle: Remember freaks - the real freak is the freak inside.
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| 6 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: And if you coat yourself in chum and swim with sharks, you probably won't be eaten, said the half-eaten chum-covered swimmer.
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| 7 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: Booyakasha!
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| 8 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum-flavored bubble gum. Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all.
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| 9 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
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| 10 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you need is an umbrella. 'Cause there's a storm gonna rain down on you, punk.
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| 11 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: There are two acceptable sleep positions. On back, toes up, arms crossed, or on back, toes up, arms at the side.
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| 12 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: There's nothing scarier than the realities of the municipal court system.
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| 13 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean, "Hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."
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| 14 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: You don't work with Jake Peralta for three years without knowing what the "Funky Cold Medina" is.
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| 15 | Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt
Captain Holt: You took the wrong fluffy boy!
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| 16 | Captain Holt & Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt & Gina Linetti
Captain Holt: I can't take credit for that. Gina Linetti is the real hero here.
Gina Linetti: But isn't Gina Linetti more of a state of mind? Like, in a way, we were all Gina Linetti today.
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| 17 | Captain Holt & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt & Jake Peralta
Captain Holt: How will I know to open the door?
Jake Peralta: When you hear me knock the "Funky Cold Medina."
Captain Holt: I don't know what the "Funky Cold Medina" is. Even context clues have failed me.
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| 18 | Captain Holt & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Captain Holt & Jake Peralta
Captain Holt: I'm initiating Operation Trident... like the famed weapon of the sea, forged by the cyclops for Poseidon himself. The trident has three prongs, like my approach.
Jake Peralta: Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquama's trident has five prongs.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. The prefix tri means three. What this aquatic man carries is better termed a pentadent.
Jake Peralta: No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut, so you're 100% wrong and everyone's laughing at you.
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| 19 | Charles Boyle | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Boyle
Charles Boyle: Jake, piece of advice - just give up. It's the Boyle way. It's why our family crest is a white flag.
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| 20 | Charles Boyle | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Boyle
Charles Boyle: Pretty cool, huh? I feel like Dexter. I think. I never actually saw the show. Billboard gave me nightmares.
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| 21 | Charles Boyle | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Boyle
Charles Boyle: That car is your superpower! Thor would never wager his hammer, and Neil Patrick Harris would never wager his showmanship!
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| 22 | Charles Boyle & Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Boyle & Captain Holt
Charles Boyle: Am I just a piece of meat to you?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now, put on a smile, Pork Chop.
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| 23 | Charles Boyle, Amy Santiago & Jake Peral... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Charles Boyle, Amy Santiago & Jake Peralta
Charles Boyle: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy Santiago: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake Peralta: "Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed." Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.
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| 24 | Doug Judy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Doug Judy
Doug Judy: New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.
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| 25 | Doug Judy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Doug Judy
Doug Judy: The texture of quiche is unsettling.
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| 26 | Doug Judy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Doug Judy
Doug Judy: The thin blue line just got thick as hell.
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| 27 | Doug Judy & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Doug Judy & Jake Peralta
Doug Judy: You want me to help you catch him? Like when X-men teamed up with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.
Jake Peralta: I heard that one was bad.
Doug Judy: Wasn't great.
Jake Peralta: I still want to see it though.
Doug Judy: I'd watch it again.
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| 28 | Dr. Yee | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dr. Yee
Dr. Yee: Have you ever read Sung Ts'u's textbook The Washing Away of Wrongs from 1235?
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| 29 | Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti
Gina Linetti: Not to brag, but I was name-checked in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.
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| 30 | Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti
Gina Linetti: The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I'm incorporating emojis into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.
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| 31 | Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti
Gina Linetti: The only thing I'm not good at is modesty... because I'm great at it.
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| 32 | Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti
Gina Linetti: Turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength. Like Paris Hilton RE: her sex tape.
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| 33 | Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti
Gina Linetti: You don't wanna start a battle of the wills with Gina Linetti because you will emerge from that battle a broken man.
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| 34 | Gina Linetti & Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti & Captain Holt
Gina Linetti: I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
Captain Holt: It was off by half a centimeter.
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| 35 | Gina Linetti & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti & Jake Peralta
Gina Linetti: You would never have become a cop. Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop. I'm your origin story, dude. You can't be mad at me.
Jake Peralta: I feel like I'm still pretty mad.
Gina Linetti: Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.
Jake Peralta: Yeah, but they weren't best friends before the bite.
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| 36 | Gina Linetti, Rob & Captain Holt | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gina Linetti, Rob & Captain Holt
Gina Linetti: Rob, do you want to share your experience with the group?
Rob: Gladly. Okay, so, you know how there's a subterranean race of lizard-people living beneath the city who control our minds with their pheromones?
Captain Holt: Okay, he's a wack-a-doodle. Gina, get your wack-a-doodle out of here.
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| 37 | Jake | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake
Jake: Sarge, with all due respect, I am gonna completely ignore everything you just said.
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| 38 | Jake & Rosa Diaz | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake & Rosa Diaz
Jake: Who's Sergio Mindar?
Rosa Diaz: The bane of my existence.
Bane from Batman, right? Continue.
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| 39 | Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta
Jake Peralta: Actually, someone reported that they couldn't find your head. But we found it. It was up your butt. You're a fireman, you should know how to treat that burn.
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| 40 | Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta
Jake Peralta: Don't worry - my bones and ribs broke my fall.
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| 41 | Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta
Jake Peralta: My dream job is spy falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him known only as S.H.A.D.E.
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| 42 | Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago
Jake Peralta: I guess you could say he's the Golden Snitch.
Amy Santiago: Wait. Was that a Harry Potter reference?
Jake Peralta: It most definitely was. I started reading them because you love them so much.
Amy Santiago: And?
Jake Peralta: You were right. They're incredible. Remember when I called in sick the other day? I was at home reading Order of the Phoenix.
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| 43 | Jake Peralta & Charles Boyle | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta & Charles Boyle
Jake Peralta: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles Boyle: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake Peralta: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.
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| 44 | Jake Peralta & Doug Judy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta & Doug Judy
Jake Peralta: Terry refuses to believe it. He thinks people can't change.
Doug Judy: Tell that to Bruce Banner's pants and shirt.
Jake Peralta: That's what I said!
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| 45 | Jake Peralta & Gina Linetti | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jake Peralta & Gina Linetti
Jake Peralta: Well, then prepare for me to murder your parents right in front of your face.
Gina Linetti: Rude.
Jake Peralta: No, it's Batman's origin story. It's like the radioactive spider thing you with with me.
Gina Linetti: I don't read comic books.
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| 46 | Mr. Haggerty | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Haggerty
Mr. Haggerty: Yeah, because she's crazy. I know we're not supposed to say that about women. I usually wouldn't go there because I'm a huge advocate. I mean, I'm the kind of guy who thinks Kathryn Bigelow should direct the next Star Wars. I've said that out loud to other men.
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| 47 | Rosa & Jake | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rosa & Jake
Rosa: Why are you so excited? You don't care about those stupid books.
Jake: I actually did read all of them in prison. They are the greatest books I've ever read, and I've read Cujo.
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| 48 | Rosa & Terry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rosa & Terry
Rosa: Parlov? Didn't he write those Skyfire books? I thought he turned out to be a jerk.
Terry: Yeah, but ever since Jake and I saved his life, he's actually been very nice. He even sent me a Christmas gift. A full-scale replica of the sword of Opadoma.
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| 49 | Rosa Diaz & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Rosa Diaz & Jake Peralta
Rosa Diaz: I'm only attracted to creeps: the Vulture, the ShamWow guy, and when I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin.
Jake Peralta: Stripe? Are you crazy? Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.
Jake Peralta: I would.
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| 50 | Terry Jeffords | Quotes | Quotes |
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Terry Jeffords
Terry Jeffords: I just negotiated my baby girls down from a pony to a hamster. Little fools.
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| 51 | Terry Jeffords | Quotes | Quotes |
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Terry Jeffords
Terry Jeffords: No waiting, just toasting. I want you to toast, now I wanna eat toast, gimme some toast!
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| 52 | Terry Jeffords | Quotes | Quotes |
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Terry Jeffords
Terry Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me! I'm not going out in a stew-making accident! Terry's gonna die saving the President, or Terry's never gonna die!
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| 53 | Terry Jeffords & Jake Peralta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Terry Jeffords & Jake Peralta
Terry Jeffords: People don't change.
Jake Peralta: Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk? You might want to talk to his shirt and pants about people not changing.
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| 54 | The Vulture | Quotes | Quotes |
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The Vulture
The Vulture: Chins up, ding-dongs, I'M trying to be happy here.
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